Missing my beast

When you spend so many months laughing, fighting, arguing, changing, and planning; the ultimate change is quite difficult to grasp.  Death to some is the end of life as we know it, to others it hushes the demons raging in thier head.  To some of us, death is a great loss that we are left asking questions and wondering how key factors could have changed the outcome.
After crying, questioning, screaming, and all the feelings of guilt and abandonment; I had to finally put away or delete all of his pictures.  Pack away gifts he sent me.  All that is left to me is a picture locked forever in my head, his love for me and I him-locked away in my still breaking heart, and his voice saying Hi baby.  I miss him terribly to this day, sometimes I still feel like I was left behind, but I do understand his need to quiet the monsters in his head.  Those demons didnt and wont make me love him any less, I just have yet to find a way to move forward from the past year of my life, all the plans we made, the petty arguing, and the calmness that came over me when he would talk to me. 
You cant say anything to people because you get, "you will be ok in time" ~ "he didnt deserve to be mourned" ~ or "I dont understand why you are so upset."  Its frustrating when you are in another state all alone and no one to grieve with.  Its difficult when you have no one to talk to.  Its aggravating when you no matter how much education you have, you still fiercely grieve the loss. 
I miss you my beast and you will forever live inside my heart.
~Your Kitten~